Everything

By someone else on June 15th, 1996

I want a comrade, someone who is thoroughly interested in getting their hands messy on my insides, and who craves for me to do the same, someone who knows themselves well, and so realizes that they have only just begun the journey of getting to know themselves, someone with the kind of intense intelligence that allows them to chew on the cosmic and the mundane, and who can appreciate that they are still but a speck of dust and so never get pretentious about being anything but just them, separate and distinct from all else…

I want someone who will reach over in the middle of the night and caress my face tenderly and kiss me once without a word, look in my eyes and then fall back to sleep. Or they could say, “let’s eat good stuff when we get up,” and then go back to sleep. Someone who never takes me for granted but who doesn’t put me on a pedestal. Someone who understands what it is to be alive, and who yearns to glean every last drop out of things, or who can at least appreciate that this is it, and that even when you’re depressed or something, it’s good, cuz it’s still living, and so be happy with any type of experience.

I want someone who can combat stress with fun. I want someone who has as much invested in the vitality of the relationship as I do. I want someone who is so in tune with their deepest animal energy that they revel in letting their various moods sweep them all over the place. I want someone who says something with their lovemaking, a communication in every touch, even if it is nothing more than animal mating.

I want a best friend, a cohort, somone mischevous, and friendly, and relaxed. I want to make love all the time, and go shopping, and eat out, and drive to the coast, and fly to Hawaii, and make distant plans that involve living together and growing daisies and owning a shower with nozzles that come out of the walls. I want to go on motorcycle road trips to the southwest. I want to have other women in our bed and know that they could never replace me in his eyes.

I want to be revelled in and loved beyond belief, and clutched intimately to someone’s heart without feeling trapped. I want to want to be trapped. I want them to experience a healthy dose of jealousy, but to never have to feel threatened. I want to be surprised. I want to cry with happiness or hysterics or release at least twice a week. I want to be able to walk into a bar in Arizona with him, wearing spurs and a capgun at my hip, black leather, and a dandelion behind my ear, looking fine as the day is long, and play pool with the man of my dreams, retaining an air of cool.

I want to get all dressed up for no reason, tux and all, and party for as many hours as we can humanly stand, doing all sorts of stupid mundane things, like buying juice, and going to the top of the space needle, and going for walks, and shopping for puppies, and making lists of cool stuff, and eating dessert, and cruising for the ball bins in the McDonald’s playgrounds after they’re closed, and making love in graveyards, and going clubbing, and sitting in deserted parking lots eating clamstrips and just talking, etc., until we’re too tired to go on, after like 30 hours, and when his tux is good and rumpled, we can go home and take it all off and cuddle naked and sleep like angels for another 15 hours, and then go out for breakfast. Is that too much?

I want someone who always looks in my eyes, unless my lips are just too distracting to bear, whose gaze occasionally becomes so intense that I forget what I was saying. I want backrubs and foot rubs. I want weird snarling at odd intervals. I want to be visited at work, and surprised with good food. I want someone who thinks making homemade dandelion wine is important. I want somone who wears shoelaces with strawberries on them. Wherever he wants as long as it’s the only item of clothing.

I want someone who appreciates good movies, and someone for whom watching them is never an excuse to just be bored and tired. I want in-home movie watching to be an event and a tradition. I want it to involve extensive cuddling. I want to never feel lonely. I want it to be the ultimate and most perfect reason to be alive. I want orgasms. I want someone who throws donuts at the windows of redheads and who brings me along to pick them out. I want to be able to fight and never feel like we’re talking alien languages.

I want a brother and sex kitten. I want somone who’s dangerous and safe, light and dark. I want a relationship to be life-giving and not exhausting and disappointing. Painful is OK as long as it’s only for short bouts. I want someone who can cook. I want someone who realizes that money and work are only a way to be able to make all these dreams come true, and that the dreams are what’s important and not the career, however distinguished it may be.

I want someone who knows what he wants and asks for it. I want someone who writes me letters or at least writes me back. I want someone that takes a long time to get to know but with whom I always feel intimate. Someone who gives me the special privilege of having open access to all their darkest deepest most beautiful secrets and crevices. Someone who enjoys being embarrassed or uncomfortable that we have gone to far, invaded too much privacy, indulged in too much intimacy.

I want someone who likes to ride on the back of my bike with his arms around my waist. I want to go out with all our friends and feel proud of what we have, and spread the energy we get from it with everyone. I want to eat the batter off the spoons with him, and go dancing, and feel sexy, and feel cherished, and feel free to do and say anything. I want to talk about every topic on earth. I want to pick new recipes together all the time. I want to take aikido lessons together. I want someone who will speak French or Italian in my ear to turn me on. I want someone who understands the power of their own masculinity.

I want puck and eros and and an angel and a demon, and a satyr and a god, and a goblin, and fairy, and the kid next door in his white tee-shirt and thrashed all-stars and goofy smile, and the man of my dreams.