Confessions of a Slacker Mom

By kate on May 23rd, 2007

No… not me. I just finished a book with that title, and it’s really sticking in my mind. Her parenting philosophy rings really true to me, and I’d like to approach things the same way. Here are some tenets:

• Let children experience the natural consequences of their actions. This can mean standing aside and letting them get injured (up to a point, of course) because they’ll learn better that way. And, it’s just the way life works. There are always consequences to one’s actions. It’s better to find out what those are, rather than avoiding things because your parent says “no”.
• Children need to learn the important skill of “making do” that was a requirement for earlier generations. They learn this by not always getting what they want, by not living in a constant stream of new toys or an overscheduled life that leaves no time for unstructured play.
• It’s not important what kid is the first to learn her multiplication tables (for example). It’s not a race! Life skills such as taking responsibility, friendship, and problem solving are the most important. The rest will come.
• The parents should enjoy their own lives (and pursue their own dreams) in order to set an example for their kids. Sacrificing your entire life to serve your kids helps nobody.

Those are just a few points from the book. It’s fairly short, and a quick read, but I’d recommend it to anyone suffering from guilt such as I did (briefly) yesterday…

I was at the Greenlake play center with Ruby. Since my main reason for taking her there is for her to socialize and explore, I find a comfortable spot in the middle of the room and mostly sit there. Some parents also do that, and then there are the hover parents. I’d say they’re in the majority. They follow the kids all over the room, facilitating and instructing all the way. If the baby carriage has fallen over, the parent (yes, almost always a mom) reaches over and rights it. If the child is struggling to climb out of the treehouse, they’re magically lifted down.

Sometimes I get the feeling they think I’m a lazy mother, instead of super-engaged like them. Sometimes I feel guilty, especially when Ruby wanders into someone’s sphere and any mediation is left to the other parent. Of course, if it were up to me, I’d leave the two kids to sort things out between them (poked eyes or pulled hair be damned). But all the other parents are very keen on “gentle, Timmy, let’s share, be careful with the baby” et cetera. Should I jump in and do this too? Ruby is never the aggressor in these situations – she’s pretty mellow and if someone takes her toy she’ll just move on. I don’t mind her getting pushed or hugged too hard in the name of socialization, so I usually leave her to fend for herself. Maybe it would be different if she was snatching toys or poking eyes (and I was getting the stinkeye from the other kid’s hover parent).

Yesterday, there were two other girls there that were born within a few days of Ruby. All of them were interested in this big Fred Flintstone type car (that you sit in and propel with your feet). The other two were lifted in by their mothers, and pushed around the room. When Ruby came up to the car later, I let her explore it. She eventually tried to climb in on her own. I sat back until she was stuck and frustrated, then I gave her a little help. I didn’t push her around the room or help her get back out, and she figured these things out too, albeit with a couple of frustrated moments.

When I feel bad about sitting back and letting her struggle, I try to remember how proud I am of her physical confidence. I can’t take credit for giving it to her (she was born with it) but I can certainly influence whether she keeps it or not.

Filed under: parenting, reading

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